Isolation Nightmare

It's over a month until the anniversary of 9-11 yet the event has come up repeatedly in the past few weeks. The company that I work for, Stone Belt Freight Lines, is bringing limestone from the facade of the Pentagon damaged in 9-11 back from DC (it was Indiana Limestone to begin with) for a memorial they are erecting in Indianapolis. Twice recently I've heard people at The Club that I frequent on the weekends, my "third place," talk about feeling at loose ends and unsure how to cope on that fateful day, then finding solace and community at the bar. Then, just tonight, at that same bar I kept hearing 9-11, 9-11. I turns out that one of the regulars has just bought a Porsche 911. Not quite the same thing but serendipity will have its way.

I truly appreciate the community that The Club affords, but my experience of 9-11 was quite different. I was Over the Road. I was in Virginia Beach, a locality that, with its naval station was set on high alert. Thank goodness I was sent west from there, across the Dismal Swamp, rather than north toward DC, where no traffic was moving.

The first I heard of events was local radio telling mothers to keep their children home from school. I remember talking to a young man in the trailer yard where I picked up my westbound load who was sure it was the beginning of the end of the world. Being jaded I figured it's always the beginning of the end of the world but was deeply affected nonetheless. There was a massive disruption in the Force that day. I too was at a loose end, unsure how to cope.

I reached out through email. I hadn't started The Reluctant Trucker yet but I had been doing email, which eventually led to the blog. I wrote a piece and sent it out to everyone on my contact list. I would edit it now, but here is what I wrote:

   I delivered a load to Bayonne New Jersey once, an industrial town on the southern tip of an island in the Hudson River just below Manhattan. There were several hours to kill while they unloaded us so I wandered around the surreal industrial landscape. I could see two twins high rise towers in the distance above the acres of million gallon oil tanks and the miles and miles of pipeline. I thought to myself, "There's a city over there, I wonder what city it is. It can't be very large, it only has two big buildings." Yet there was something incongruous about the size of those towers and how far away they seemed.
   You see, this was way back when I first started driving. I knew that we were in Jersey but I didn't know where. For some reason I thought that we were in the southern part of the state, having arrived during my co-driver's shift while I was asleep in the back. It never occurred to me that I was seeing the tops of the World Trade Center in NYC. Little city indeed.
   That's how impossibly huge those towers were, I could see them as if complete, but none of the other buildings of New York. Seemingly twice the height of the tallest of the buildings that clustered at their feet they were out of all proportion to the rest of Manhattan. Seen from the East off the Brooklyn Queens Expressway lower Manhattan was nicely framed in the truck window, but the tops of the WTC were lost behind the roof of the cab. From the North they still dominated even though most of the city lay between. I've heard that they were measurably farther apart at the top than at the base because of the curvature of the Earth. Mighty impressive structures, and beautiful, I suppose, in a minimalist sort of way, though far less interesting than the jumble of architecture they lorded over. And now they're gone.
   I speak of architecture because it’s something that I can grasp. Buildings can be rebuilt, the lives lost are irreplaceable. Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, friends, enemies, lovers, fiancées, innocent victims all. I'm staggered. I can't grasp it, but I'm affected by it. The closest thing in history was probably Hiroshima and Nagasaki, though this, of course, is closer to home.
   I want to share with you how close it came, and how lucky I, and some of you, are. My ex-brother-in-law, Uncle Asolm, worked as the day manager at the Windows on the World Restaurant formerly located in the World Trade Center, NYC. I don't know the details but for some reason he didn't go to work that day, thank the Goddess. Apparently his brother was there but he got out in time. I heard a story on NPR, though, about a woman looking for her sister who was a waitress there and is now missing. We just don't know what might have been had he gone to work, I'm just thankful that he didn't.

Just to clarify one point: Essom worked at a restaurant in the concourse, in the lower floors, which is why his brother, who also worked there was able to escape. We still don't know what would have happened if he had gone to work that day.

Conspiracy theory: Being a devout Muslim who prays five times a day Essom must have known about the attack and his brother, whose name I forget just now and who I have only seen once through closed lids as he stepped past me on his way to work as a cab driver, while I slept on the living room floor of Jean and Essom's house north of the city, was surely there to set off the CIA explosives that brought down the third building.

I don't know what the truth is except not that.

But back to my email; I longed for an answer and got one. Only one, from someone that I wasn't very close to. I wrote in my journal,  "I feel more isolated than ever."

Later, in a phone call to someone else I'd sent the email to I probed the subject. The reply: "Do you know how insulting it is to get an email addressed to a whole list of people, as if I don't count?" I was crushed and didn't even ask if he'd read it. I doubt now that he did and realize too that it's not a writing culture, that a reply might have been too much to hope for. After that rebuff I let the issue lie.

It's more than a month away from the anniversary of 9-11, and more than a decade since the event, but I am still affected by it. All those Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, sisters, brothers, friends, enemies, lovers, fiancées gone. Exes too, but who cares about them?